"LOVE IS WHAT KEEPS US ALIVE"

-unknown

"LOVE WILL BE THE DEATH OF US "

-unknown

Ever since my mom left. The world feels empty. My dad was never caring enough to look after his only son and wife. My mom was my only support my only guardian my pillar and my only home. My home. Which collapsed as soon her soul left her body.

Now I'm alone in this world. No reason feels worthy enough to help me stay alive. My mother's so called 'God' didn't show mercy on my state, he didn’t take my life. So I tried to take it myself not once, but multiple times. Drugged myself, cut myself tried to jump down the building. But every time, every single fucking time, I stay alive.

What curse is this? If I don't have a soul anymore what is the need of this useless body.

This time, I tried jumping into a river but fuck my luck. Some random man saved me from drowning and here he is lecturing me about how precious is a life.

" Agar apne baare mei nahi soch rahe toh unke baare mei socho jo tumse pyaar karte hai"

" kinkey baare mei sochu woh baap jo mujhe aur meri maa ko chod kar chala gaya? ya uss maa ke baare mei jo kuch mahino pehle apna dam tod chuki hai? Usi maa ke baare mei toh soch raha hu. Woh ghar thi mera. Aur koi bhi jagah kitni hi sundar shant ya aaramdayak ho, sukoon sirf ghar hi de sakta hai chahe kaisa bhi ho."

I paused for a moment looking him in the eye. My rage taking over me. "You know I wanted to end it all. This suffering this pain this loneliness long ago, but fuck my life fuck my life. Every time I try to end myself, I don't know what saves me. My mom used to say that god will have mercy on us. Is this his mercy, he took my soul away and expects me to live ?"

He smiled at me "just know that there is someone out there trying to save you. Perhaps they need you so bad that for them, the almighty is keeping you alive"

"Do you not understand me, I don't know anyone in this world now. Why would anyone even wish for me?

"Young man you might not understand it right now but when the time will come, you will thank yourself and the almighty for not letting you die"

"The thought of the god went away with my mother."

But hope is what kept me alive some how some day maybe I will be me again. I will have a reason to live.

People said money gives you happiness, I worked hard got a job made money but when the salary credited, it didn't make me happy. I thought if I had more money, maybe then I'll be happy I worked even harder worked out my own business, grew it even then, I wasn't happy. I brought expensive liquor to numb the pain, thinking if I can't be happy maybe I can numb the pain, but that too didn't help.

Years went by but no amount time could heal the numbness inside my chest. Years later, the same feeling to take my life again rose inside me. I got drunk, the most expensive liquor I owned and then went outside my house I would never walk into again.

I walked a few miles away, searching any possible wasy to kill myself. Frustration building inside me with every inch I walked ahead. And then I paused, my leggs stopped, my heart no longer pounding like it could come out any moment, my my hands stopped shaking, everything went calm suddenly the background was a blur.

The focus? a girl ahead of me playing with a little pup, her open hairs ending just a little above her hips. Eyes barely open as she laughed like she had everything. Everything that I don't have. She ran in the empty park the little pup chasing her. The girl finally rested on the ground and the little pup got over her licking her soft milky skin, her nightsuit now covered in dirt, but she didn't care.

In that moment, I forgot everything. I was so lost in observing her, I even forgot that I'd come out to kill myself, to end the misery that now felt hollow. I forgot everything that alcohol could never make me forget.

But before I could even completely realise that, it ended. The girl was nowhere to be found. Was she a mere imagination of my mind trying to trick me into life. Or was she really there?

I came back home that night but my mind stayed there. Her laughter lingered on my head like a faint memory I wanted to feel again. The whole day, I couldn't get myself to focus on work. Suddenly the numbers felt strange to my brain.

So that night I went to the same place hoping that maybe she would come again. I waited. And waited. And waited. Every passing second felt like an eternity. I lost all my hope that I would get to see her again. I even thought that I might possibly have some kind of mental illness or it was the effect of alcohol making me hallucinate. Then, I saw her again, with the same stray pup. Just as the pup heard her voice, he jumped over her. She ran her hands over his little dusty body. That must've felt so good.

I stood nearby the tree watching them, not even trying to hide myself. Then suddenly she gazed towards my side, my breath hitched and my heart hammered against my ribs. she just saw me staring at her. She paused for a moment, locking her gaze with mine. We just stared at each other for a moment. My The time ceased to exist.

She lifted her leg to walk away still looking towards me but her leg slipped, she was about to fall, as a reflex, I threw my hands in the air as if I could catch her but I was maybe a few meters away from her. she caught hold of the nearby pole stabilising herself. I awkwardly pulled my hands back. She finally looked away awkwardly pulling her free strands of hairs behing her ears before she went away.

Great. I just made her think that I was a random desperate creep. Damn me.

Will she even come back here again? The question swirled in my mind the whole day. What if she never comes back again? I couldn't wait for the day to end.

As the dawn ended I rushed back to the exact same location but this time, I found her sitting on the park bench. I slowed down my breath and took a seat on the opposite bench that was a few meters away.

It was the first time I was watching her from this close. I analysed her features. She was truly very beautiful. Her long luscious hairs, big eyelashes and eyes so beautiful, I fear that if I use every language ever known to the humanity, I still wont be able to describe their beauty into words. Her eyes held a depth. As if they were saying something. Her face so serene, it reminded me of my mother's. We sat their for hours, just staring at each other, not speaking even a single word.

Days went by and with every morning I woke I waited for that one moment where I would get to see her. Only then my I would be able to quench my thirsty soul with the help of my eyes.

Her eyes spoke so well, words never had the capability to describe. And I just sat there decoding every word. The workaholic within me was long gone. What remained was a thought of her making me feel restless every second. Why is it all happening to me? She's no different from other girls. It's not her beauty, I've seen plenty of beautiful girls, not even once, they made me feel something like this, not even close.

But that day was special, I went over to the park, she sat next to me. She smiled at me, and started talking her voice sounding like the only melody I wanted to hear, so much so it made my mind stop thinking other things. My all focus was on the sweet words she threw at me. We talked for hours, like we've known each other's for years. When we started, we never wanted to stop.

"So who's in your family?" She had asked me. Family. A single word that shattered the magic of the moment and brought me back to the old days where I had nothing. My mind flooded with the memory of things I’d so desperately wanted to forget.

"Let's not talk about this one." I said as I looked away from her. Maybe she did understand the unspoken words behind my silence. Her smile slowly faded away.

"Oh. It's okay things happen. You know I was the only child to my parents. But when my brother was born, everything changed, my life took a 360 degree turn. It was like they never needed me. They treated me so badly emotionally, mentally and even physically, there was a time when I actually thought that there was something was wrong with me." Damn people like her parents still exist? Who concider their daughter as a burden? How heartless were they to do this to their own child?

"You know, once I was about 15 years old I had a huge argument with my brother on some silly thing..." she went on. " so I slapped my brother because he called me a bitch. My mother slapped me back and took me out of the house and closed the door from inside. It was a winter night and I had to stay outside my house the whole night. Freezing. While my parents and my brother slept inside peaceful not even caring what will happen to me." I looked at her in horror. My eyes wide open and mouth agape. I held her hands offering her comfort she crearly didn’t need, she's already so strong to go through this at such a young age.

Tears dwelled in her eyes threatening to fall but she didn't let them, she smiled and went on. "That day I knew my parents didn't want me. So I made sure I didn't bother them. I did multiple small jobs, tutoring kids, making their projects, small online hustle and summed up some money and moved out at 18. I never looked back, they too never tried to contact me."

Her story made me question my own self. That point in my life where I'd thought that i was suffering the most, some other person was going through all this. Where I begged to get my family back, someone was praying to get rid of them as soon as possible. My suffering felt like a little dot when compared to her life.

I remembered that day "just know that there is someone out there trying to save you. Perhaps they need you so bad that for them, the almighty is keeping you alive." Maybe she was the one. Suffering in silence and wishing that someday someone will come and make her feel loved, wanted and worthy. It all made fucking sense now.

I thanked that person for saving my life that day.

" you are so strong, you went through so much still you smile like nothing ever happened to you."

"But what were I without all that pain? Maybe my god wanted me to go through all of this so that I could muster enough strength to get out of that hell? And what to worry about? My god was always with me even when no one was."

I smiled weakly "You believe in your god a little to much. Don't you?"

"More than myself. Every thing that has happened my life no matter how bad has always turned out to be good more than it seemed bad. He's like my parent who will never do bad to me."

"Don't you believe in God?" She asked innocently, with a little frown on her forehead. I sighed out and began "my mom also believed in god. Very much. She also believed that god will never do her wrong." I paused and took a sharp breath in " He did not. Maybe. He didn’t do wrong to her but to them who didn't believe in him."

I looked at her and continued. " my so called dad left me and my mom alone for another woman, my mother was devastated but she took my care like she was the best mother ever until one day she did not. I never believed in god from the starting. My mom used to say that everything happens for a reason. I wondered what was the reason behind my dad leaving my mom and my mom leaving me. I found none. All of it was nonsense so that human could cope with their situations."

She smiled weakly and held my arm slighly leaning on my shoulder. "Some things make sense when its the right time."

Days went by, we used to meet everyday at the same spot. So lost in our conversations that we forgot the concept of time. Hobbies, career, friends, feelings, family, traumas there was no topic left which we haven't talked about.

I just sat there and thought of how things changed over time. Being with her made me feel happy, her presence made me forget every pain, anxiety. When I'm with her, I become me. I really don't know how she manages to ease me even without trying. I think I'm in love.

Today felt no different than usual. She was telling me about her day and I sat there, smiling admiring her voice, her energy, her beauty and her importance in my life. "Will you marry me?" The words slipped out of my mouth like silk even without realising what I'd actually said. She stopped abruptly her eyes wide, as she looked at me.

My pulse throbbed at the base of my throat. Will she say no? Will she slap me? Never talk to me again? What will I do then? I was a very confident person, I never doubted my decision, words or skills but today I was the most nervous I'd ever been in my whole life.

Before I could get ahead in the loop of overthinking my words, I noticed a deep shade of red spread across her face, she broke the eye contact and a small smile played on her lips. It was a yes. I was so happy my eyes almost teared with joy. I cupped her cheeks with both my hands and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

We got married. Not much traditions just a few people, close friends mostly her's. On the wedding day, I thought to gift her with something. And the idea of gifting a small murti of her god seemed to be the best option given that my house had no pujaghar. When I gave it to her, she was so happy, she adored it maybe because I gave it to her.

Now, I didn’t have to wait the whole day just to catch a glimplse of her, just to listen her sweet voice, the one that made everything sound so beautiful, even my own name. She was my biggest achievement. I brought her beautiful flowers just like her when I got home. I thought that would make her fall for me even more but when she took those flowers and smiled, I was the one who would fall even harder each time.

My home was never the same again, it was filled with a fruity and flowery scent, a hum in the air. Plants inside my house began to show a sign of life again. My life became exactly what I dreamed to wake upto. For the first time in years, my house felt like home. She was the best thing that happened to me in my life. Every sunday evening, we prepared food together in the kitchen, and then watch a movie together or sometimes she sits in my lap explaining the book she just read and why and how much she loved that book and I listened quietly, occasionally playing with the hem of her kurti.

I promised to love her like this forever. Even when life gets difficult or we get older, when wrinkles cover ther face, when she's no move beautiful, but she will always be beautiful to me. She will forever be mine, she will forever be loved and cherished by me.

But forever is a dangerous word. How could a mortal offer eternity?

This day was no different. I woke up by her side in the morning, kissed her forehead and left for work as usual. It was when I reached my office, my vision started to get blurry, all the voices in the background seemed to stop immediately as if my ears lost their hearing capacity. Blood from my head rushed down to my legs and everything went black.

I woke up in the hospital, doctor said that I fainted in my office he said it was Nothing to worry about it happens usually due to stress. But When did I last time stressed over something? Maybe before she entered my life. Doctor also suggested me to go through an MRI just to be on a safer side.

I didn't call her or tell her that I fainted today because her stressing over me is the last thing I want. It is normal not anything to stress upon. I didn't think I needed to have an MRI but Doctor said so here we are.

"Sir I'm very sorry to say but you have meningioma."

Was what the doctor told me. I raised my eyebrow in confusion. He sighed and continued, "it's a type of benign brain tumor." My breath hitched, words stalled on my tongue. I couldn’t believe it.

" No doctor, this can't be, I'm fit and fine, look. Please check again, or if you say I'll get the MRI again its-"

"Sir it is what it is. Does not matter how many times you get it done again."

I paused for a minute. Still shocked by his own words

" is this treatable. See I don't care about the money it takes."

" it can be sometimes treated with the help of a surgery. But.....the surgery is very risky, even when performed by a professional and can be fatal." I stared at him for a second before I left the hospital.

I laughed at the sheer absurdity and irony of life. When I had nothing, and all I wanted was to die, the death did not find me. And when I finally found my happiness in my life, they say I will die. What curse is this? What am I going to say to her when I get home? That the man who swore to be on her side no matter what the circumstances, is going to leave her? the one who swore to keep her happy all life is going to be the reason of her sadness?

She has already seen a lot of pain and struggle in her life. What did she do to deserve this suffering now? I thought when I was heading home when I saw a temple.

"Some things make sense when its the right time."

Maybe this is the time. I unfastened my seatlbelt, and walked over to the temple shrine. I joined my hands in front of it and closed my eyes feeling unfamiliar to my actions.

" mujhey nahi pata aap mujhe kis cheez ki saza de rahe ho. Shayad mai bhagwaan mei nahi maanta isliye. Koi bat nahi mujhe har saza manzoor hai. Par us insaan ko kyu sazade rahe ho jo aap mei apney aap se bhi zyada bharosa karti hai. Uski kya galti hai? Usney kya gunah kiya hai. Pata hai woh kya kehti hai? Kehti hai ki aap jo bhi uskey saath jo karoge na accha hi karoge. Isliye woh har din tumhai puja karti hai, madir mei apna maatha tekti hai. Aur aap usko hi dukh de rahe ho?"

"Mai aapsey yaha apni zindagi ki bheekh mangne nahi aya hu. Mai toh bas uske liye thoda sa sukh maangne aaya hu jisne zindagi bhar dukh sha hai kyuki mai uski aankho mei aasu nahi dekh sakta.

Maine logo ko kehte suna tha ki pyar hi hai jo insaan ko zinda rakhta hai. Yeh kesa pyar hai jo insaan ko sabse zyada dukh deta hai?"